Turn of Faith
Chapter 5
by Claudia Martins, published on April 22, 2002
Grace knew she had to do it. This wouldn't be easy. She knew that even better. But it had to be done. Now. So, she took a deep breath and dialled the number. After the first ring, she almost hung up the phone, but someone answered on the other side.
'Hello?'
'Hello, Mother.', Grace said, trying to keep her voice steady.
'Grace? Well, it's about time.', Tai Nakimura said. 'I take it you are back from India!'
'Yes, I am... I'm in Rittersberg.'
'Oh, I should have known! Back with... him!', her answer was scornful.
Grace sighed and tried to gather herself. There was no use in getting upset. 'Yes, Mother, I'm fine, thank you for asking.', she couldn't help to say. 'How's Dad?'
'Trying to figure out just where we went wrong in bringing you up. Concerned with what you're doing to your future.'
'Mother, my future is my business. And there's nothing wrong with the way you brought me up. In fact, you brought me up to understand I must make my own choices.'
'Choices? And what just did you choose? To travel around the world chasing a man who has no roots... Who cares for nothing except for... OH, I dread just the thought of it! Is that what you've chosen?', her mother's tone was rising, so Grace knew it was time.
'I'm pregnant, Mother.'
There was absolute silence on the other end of the line. After a few minutes Grace heard sobbing.
'Mother?'
'How could you do this, child? Pregnant?? And I have no doubt it's his! Did he force you, that bastard?', Tai was screaming right now, so Grace had to hold the speaker away from her ear. She was having trouble fighting the tears herself.
'No! And there's no need for name-calling...'
‘There are a lot of names I would like to call him!'
'Then please go ahead!', Gabriel said as he took the phone away from Grace. She had been so absorbed by the situation, she hadn't noticed him standing just a few feet away from her. Obviously, her mother had yelled loud enough for him to hear her. Grace braced herself, trembling. God only knew what could come out of this!
'So, Mrs. Nakimura, I believe you had something to say to me.', Gabriel said, his eyes locked in Grace's, silently scolding her, I should have been here.
'What are you considering doing, Mr. Knight? Are you going to live up to your responsibilities?', Tai said, coldly.
'I have every intention of doing so, Mrs. Nakimura. But it all depends on your daughter.'
'What on Earth do you mean? I do expect you haven't suggested to merely paying for an... Mr. Knight, if you're not willing to give up that depraved life of yours for the sake of that child, I'm sure me and my husband would be willing to take on its education. You would never be bothered with that again!'
Gabriel closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Lord, how he wanted to tell the woman what he really thought of her! But one glance at Grace's anxious expression and he knew blowing up wouldn't help the situation. 'No, Mrs. Nakimura, that thought has never crossed my mind. I would never suggest that to Grace. Despite your beliefs my life is not depraved and I do care for your daughter. Much more than you could ever imagine. Or her for that matter...', he saw Grace lower her eyes. 'And I would never give up on them. You are very welcome to see your grandchild and be with him as often as you like, but this child is ours and shall always be.'
'Mr. Knight, do you really believe you are capable of bringing up a child?', Tai's tone seemed to have softened. 'You have already ruined Grace's future...'
'I don't know if I am capable, but I'm not planning on doing it alone. So it's a question of whether you find your daughter capable. And about Grace's future... Well, I believe there's a lot to be said about that yet! Good afternoon, Mrs. Nakimura.', Gabriel hung up the phone, without giving the woman a chance to go on. 'I told you I wanted to do this with you.', he said as he walked over to Grace. She was standing, back against the wall, fists clenched, eyes closed. He watched her silently, fighting the urge to touch her. She was so beautiful!
'I thought that, despite everything, there was no need for you to hear certain things. My mother can be pretty obnoxious when she tries real hard.', Grace's voice was hoarse.
'So you decided to hear it by yourself. Gracie,' he got closer to her, so close she could feel his breath on her face. 'Are you ever going to let me back into your life?'
'Unfortunately, I can't ever let you out now.', she whispered, without opening her eyes. If she did, tears would fall, and she didn't want him to see her cry. This was just getting to hard!
'And in... in your heart? Am I still there?', Gabriel knew he was reaching but he couldn't help it. He wanted to know. He needed to know!
Grace finally opened her eyes and stared right into his eyes. 'Was I ever in yours?' He was speechless. She didn't know! She really didn't know! How could he ever let the most important person in his life think she meant nothing to him? Actually, he had done that with everyone that cared for him. As if caring for him was an obligation, a given thing.
After a few seconds of silence, she walked away. He didn't try to stop her. This time he hated himself too much to convince her not to hate him herself.
There she had always felt comfortable. At home. Surrounded by those magnificent books. The only treasure the Ritters had never thought about selling. They would rather starve than sell them. She probably would too. The fact that some of those volumes were worth large amounts of money had no meaning whatsoever to her. What she really liked was the smell, the touch of those ancient records of lives and dreams and hopes. Of course her favorites were the diaries. The Schattenjäger journals. And they all told the absolute truth. Seated in the enormous leather chair at the equally gigantic desk, Grace glanced around the book covered walls, breathing in the musty scent of the old books.
'At least I know I count on you...' even though she whispered, the sound of her voice echoed in the large room. She didn't even know whom she was referring to. That room had always felt alive. Warm, even when the large fireplace was unlit, as if a fire of a different kind burned through the walls. Finally, she got up and traveled around the library, her hand running through the neatly lined books. Leather, paper, cloth, wood... All kinds of textures and colors. She loved books. For themselves. The concept of book, despite her attraction for technology, was something she truly adored. That was what had made her walk in the decaying bookstore in a deserted New Orleans street. And what made her stay and take a job that didn't pay, period, was the strange attitude of a man that didn't seem to know the meaning of organizing, except when it came to his books. He didn't have a dime, but actually selling a book was painful for him. Grace had thought that a man like that couldn't be altogether bad. Little did she know.
She sighed and stopped in front of the bookcase she was looking for. Shelf after shelf of journals, all shapes and sizes, worn after centuries of being read. Suddenly, something caught her eye. At the farthest corner of the bookcase there was what seemed to be a new but somewhat familiar volume. Frowning, Grace reached out and pulled it out. The leather cover still smelled like new and the pages weren't yet yellowed by time. She knew what it was. The book had been her Christmas present to Gabriel, to encourage him to start writing down everything that happened to him. The records of the previous Schattenjägers had been crucial for him to understand what he was truly facing. Grace and Gerde had told him it was his duty to write down his own experiences. But Grace knew for a fact he hadn't started it before going to Rennes-Le-Château. So, why had he started it now?
She knew it wasn't right but she couldn't help it. Grace leafed through the journal, picking up words and sentences here and there. Apparently, Gabriel had made a short summing up of his experiences with the Voodoo Murders and the Black Wolf. The happenings at Rennes-le-Château were more detailed. Much more detailed. Everything he had told her over lunch was there. The dream like feeling of that fateful night. Coming back to an empty room. The need to tell her the things he had seen. Suddenly, reading bits and pieces wasn't enough anymore. She leafed back to the paragraph where he told his return to the hotel and read on.
'When I entered the hotel here was only one thing in my mind. Getting back to Grace. Explain. Tell. Ask. Apologize. I guess I was rude to some people waiting for me at the lobby, but I couldn't help it. It was as if my life depended on reaching that room. But it was empty. Grace was gone. She left a note saying she was going to find her way, to find herself. That she would come back when she was ready. Somehow I doubt it. I'm afraid what I did this time was the last straw. God, I feel like beating the crap out of myself! Why did I have to go and run out the door? It was her first time! How could I do this?' Grace was amazed. He knew it had been her first time! She had wondered if he had noticed it or not. She read on. 'My head is saying it shouldn't have happened, but I still can feel my skin burn when I remember her touch and my whole body is screaming for her. I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling, this desperate need... I guess that was why I kept running from her, teasing her to keep her away... Because I knew if I gave in, if we both did, I could never live without her another second!'
If she didn't know no one could imitate his handwriting she would doubt he had written all that. And he went on, continuing to describe his feelings and his quest for her. That was just too much for Grace. She didn't want to know, she didn't want to see it. All she wanted was to find something, some reference to how quickly those feelings had died away. Because she was sure they were just feelings born out of guilt. But she didn't find it. So she flipped through the pages, picking up words and sentences here and there that told her how conscious he was of the consequences of his actions. But suddenly she did find something. But something that made the air on the back of neck stand. Something so very familiar...
'The boy is strange. He is just a kid but his eyes are old. As if it wasn't his first time here. And I feel I have known him all my life, even though I'm sure I've never seen him. And the girl... I feel the same way, but she is different. Her eyes sparkle with life. As if she's not aware of the pain and horror in the world. Yet I can feel her strength. It comes directly from that joy in living. And I know their names...'
'Jason and Miriam.', Grace whispered closing her eyes. She had no need to read the words. She knew what came next. The description of how they stood together watching the children and the sudden disruption of the perfect little world they had created. The other girl, dark hair and dark eyes, scared, loveless and so strong... Grace closed the book with a bang and quickly got up, putting it back in the case.
Even more confused than before, Grace left the library, feeling her head spin. How could this be? How could he have dreamt exactly the same thing she had? She was sure she had never mentioned it to him or Gerde. She had been trying to deny the implicit meaning of it all. She knew who that boy had to be. But the girl... Grace didn't want to think about it. It couldn't be! So she flew down the stairs and headed to the door. She needed air.
Breathing in the smell of the fresh, clean grass calmed her down. The soft breeze of the late afternoon blew through her raven black hair and she shivered. It was getting cooler, but it felt good on her warm skin. She kicked off her shoes and walked a few yards down the hill. Finally, she sat down and gazed over the scenery in front of her. To her right, the woods that hid the view of the small village beyond it. And right in front of her the sparkling blue lake, reflecting the white clouds up above. No one should be allowed to own a place like that! It was probably the most beautiful place she had ever seen. Far in the distance the tall mountain peaks with its tops still covered in white snow felt so familiar. And in her heart a soft voice whispered: 'This is home'.
What was she running from? Grace wasn't sure anymore. All of a sudden it seemed she was running from herself. If not, why had she returned? Because it was the right thing to do? Because Chadrel had told her it was time to go back into the world? Or because somewhere deep inside she still felt there was a chance?
Sighing, she thought back on every moment spent with him over the last three and a half years. All the times she'd expected a smile, a glance, a word. And all the times her heart had beaten faster when it finally came. All the times she had tried hard not to read between the lines. And the few times emotion had been just too strong for any of them to run from it. The long hugs, the many moments spent in the familiar and comfortable silence of friendship, the shared secrets of painful moments, things no one else would ever understand, the fierce fights that usually ended with a playful nudge or shy smile. No matter how hard she tried to think only of his faults, of his errors, she couldn't. Grace knew he couldn't be blamed for not loving her, or for seeing her only as a friend, as a sidekick. And for the first time since that night, she allowed herself to remember. For all she knew, time had stopped when his lips had first touched hers. The warmth she had hungered for washing over her body when his naked skin touched hers and the sweetness of her name in his lips. It had felt so right, to be in his arms. No hesitations, no fears, no thoughts about the next morning. And despite her total lack of experience, it had felt as if their bodies had known each other forever, as if they had been through those same motions many, many times before. And she had known that minute he was feeling the same way, that all she was feeling, he was feeling too. She could see it in his eyes, never unlocking from hers, she could feel it in the beating of his heart, in the softness of his hands on her body, caressing, exploring... Grace shook her head, trying to dismiss the memories and the sudden and absolute need for him. She then remembered the total oblivion after love. It was strange her memories of that night ended with the absolute ecstasy they both had shared. What had happened? Had they fallen asleep right away? Had words been spoken? If so, what were they?
Now that she thought about it, things had been weird. She was beginning to understand Gabriel's theory. But no matter how dreamlike it had felt, it had had extremely real consequences. Remembering that made her make her mind up. It was time to take action. No more running away, or feeling scared and sorry for herself. If she had ever had a chance at taking her destiny into her own hands, it was now.
So, decisively, she got up and walked back to the castle. There were a few things she had to know.
Last update: October 24, 2007
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