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Turn of Faith

Chapter 6

by Claudia Martins, published on April 26, 2002

Gerde was putting on her coat and getting ready to leave as Grace got back inside.

'Hi, Grace. I'm glad I see you. I'll spend the night at my uncle's. He's not feeling very well.', smiling, she shrug her shoulders. 'You know, old age... I guess he just feels a bit lonely. So I'll indulge him! Dinner's ready, just heat it.'

'Ok, Gerde, don't worry. Hope Herr Huber feels better soon.'

The blonde woman smiled again as she opened the door. 'I'm sure he will. Oh, that reminds me, Gabriel is upstairs moving furniture around. I have no idea what he's up to.'

'And what makes you think I care?', Grace mumbled, more out of habit than as an answer. Gerde didn't hear her anyway, so she climbed the stairs, wondering what he could be doing.

She found him in the room right next to his. She had never been there more than once or twice, since it had been used as a storage room for years. Gabriel's clothes were covered in dust as were his hands. Apparently, he had been pushing every piece of furniture inside against the walls.

'What are you doing? Setting up the ballroom?', she asked, leaning against the doorframe.

He smiled and wiped his hands on his pants. 'If madam would like to dance, yes, I am. If not, well, I have something else in mind for the room in question.'

'What, may I know?'

'Sure. A nursery for our golden boy.', he stood right in front of her, his hands on his hips.

Grace left her place by the door and walked around the room. It was large and there were two big windows overlooking the lake. 'Yeah, I guess it could work.'

'Wow! You actually think I'm right on something? No ifs or buts?'

She took a deep breath and turned around to face him.

'You said you came back to tell me something that day. What was it?', she asked turning abruptly to stare him in the eyes.

His eyes widened in amazement. She was making his head twirl. Now she wanted to know? Now that he wasn't ready? A sudden small grim came up on his lips. That was the point wasn't it? 'You are some piece o' work.', he said.

'Well? Are you telling me or not? I'm not giving you another chance.', she crossed her arms, wishing to God he didn't notice how nervous she really was.

Gabriel paced around the room, running his fingers through his hair, trying to gather his thoughts. There was so much he wanted to say! It wasn't as if he had it all planned out!

Then, finally, he turned to face her. Grace had conveniently hidden in the shadows of the badly lit room, so he couldn't actually see her face. Only her defiant pose, leaning against the wall, arms still crossed across her chest.

He had to clear his voice, before he spoke. There were butterflies in his stomach and he was trembling all over. 'Ok, then,' he said, taking a deep breath. 'here goes... Like I told you, that day was pretty strange... As strange as it could possibly be. But that you know... You heard most of it through the headphones. But then, when we turned them off, and you said goodbye, it finally hit me... How much I missed your voice in my ear... How big of a fool I had been... You know, when you actually see your whole life pass before your eyes, you find yourself realising one or two things...' Gabriel sighed and began pacing the room again. 'So I came back to tell you two things... I'm sorry and thank you.'

'So, that's it?', she said in a strangled voice.

'No, that's not it! Not by a long shot!' he walked over to her and pulled her by the arm, forcing her to sit down on a sheet-covered armchair, by the window. It was getting darker now, but there was still enough sunlight to see her face. Grace kept trying to avoid eye contact. He knelt before her, firmly holding her hands in his. 'What I wanted to say was that I'm sorry for not seeing you there, for taking you for granted, for walking out on you when you most needed me. I wanted to apologise for all the times I should have held you in my arms and say how important you were in my life and didn't. For all the times I reached out to touch you and chickened out... For all the nights I woke up lonely and scared and never telling you you were the one I wanted to be with...', his voice failed him when her eyes suddenly met his, filled with surprise and amazement. 'And yeah,', Gabriel went on, finally managing to slow down the flood of words and feelings. 'For all the times I drove by your door back in New Orleans or went over to your room, here, just to say hi, or even to take you out for some coffee and gave up at the last minute.' Now that he had started, words seemed to flow from his lips, unstoppable. 'And the times I thought how pretty you looked and didn't say it...'

'And why didn't you say or do all of those things?', Grace whispered, feeling her voice fail her.

He smiled, gently, feeling his heart overflowing with tenderness for the young girl in front of him, apparently so strong but so easily hurt, and reached out to pull back one loose strand of raven black hair from her face. 'The first reason that comes to mind is that I'm a jackass... But that you know already.', the small smile that appeared for a second on her lips made his heart race. 'But adding to that I've also been a coward... And most times I kept saying to myself that you were totally out of my league. You were just too good for me and I... I wanted what was best for you and couldn't cope with the thought of you spending the rest of your life taking care of an emotionally handicapped screw-up.'

'That was for me to decide...'

'But you see, in mind there was no chance whatsoever of you ever even considering that... You had a great life... I was just an accident.'

'Yeah, great life...', she shook her head. 'You really never got to know me, did you?'

'Maybe not... But you didn't make it easy did you?', her eyes told him she knew that was partly her fault too. 'Anyway, I also wanted to say thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me...'

She couldn't help feeling guilty. She had given up one minute too early, apparently.

'Thank you for being there every time I needed you, even before I knew I needed you... Thank you for... God!', he bit his lip and closed his eyes for a second. There was so much he still wanted to say that getting confused was inevitable. 'Thank you for walking into the bookstore that day and everyday from then on... For giving me enough peace to sleep in the morning... Most nights I was so scared of the nightmares I couldn't shut my eyes... Not until I heard your key on the door in the morning...' He smiled gently, as he realised there was so much more he needed to thank her for. 'Thank you for helping me be who I am today. For...' he had to clear his throat. Emotions were running havoc right now.'...for letting me be the first. I used to wonder about that...' he could see her blush.

'I bet you did...', her voice grew cold.

'No, not that way. That...', he gulped. 'That spooked me... Thinking you had never... been with anyone helped me to keep myself away from you. It showed me just how wrong I was for you...'

'You always work on assumptions, don't you Knight?'

'Yeah... Usually the wrong ones... But this time I was right... And I kept thinking that Mark what's-his-name was a lucky guy...', he stopped. Thinking of Mark always turned his stomach.

Grace looked away from him, through the window. She had suddenly realised why she had never told him the truth about Mark, her former would-be fiancee. 'Mark got married over six months ago...', she said in a faded voice.

'Oh.', Gabriel grinned, 'Thank God for that. It saves me the trouble of killing him...'

Her eyes were shooting sparks when she looked back at him. 'You really think this is funny, don't you?'

The smile disappeared from his face. 'No... I was just... Damn it, Grace.', Gabriel got back on his feet. 'This isn't easy for me either! I was just trying to lighten things up...'

Grace just took a deep breath and hid her face in her hands. 'Just get this over with... I don't want you to accuse me of not letting you finish this...'

Gabriel rushed back to her and forced her to look up. 'I'm not finishing anything... I want to get this started! I want to get us started...'

'Oh, you got enough started already...', the coldness in her voice always drove him insane. He knew it to be a defensive strategy, a wall she built around herself to fight him back, but right now he just wanted to kick it down.

'I kinda remember you were there too!', he spat. 'It takes two to tango, you know?'

She opened her mouth but nothing came out. He is right, she thought. It was impossible for her to face him now, so she got back on her feet and walked to the window, bracing herself, feeling suddenly cold.

'Gracie, I'm sorry. I...', Gabriel's voice was strained and he reached out to touch her but she walked away again. Then she turned to him.

'No, you don't have to apologise. You're right. I have no right of blaming it all on you... I could have stopped you... But I didn't want you to stop.'

'Stopping me from what?', Gabriel's heart was racing in his chest. 'From making love to you or from walking away?', he knew he was being blunt but they were way past being careful with words.

She held his gaze. 'Both.'

'So you wanted me to walk away?'

Closing her eyes, Grace sighed deeply.

'No... But maybe some part of me thought it would be easier to blame it all on you if you did... You would have been the one that didn't have the courage to go on with it... I guess I hated that sorry excuse for a relationship we had, but was just too comfortable in it...'

'Yeah... But things changed anyway...'

She didn't answer but she reached out instinctively for her belly.

'I never got around to thank you for that too.', his voice was no more than a whisper now.

'For what?', she asked, confused.

'The baby... Our son.'

'Why do you keep referring to the baby as a 'he'? It could be a girl...', Grace already knew the answer, but she had to hear the words.

Gabriel's heart jumped in his chest. Good question: Why had he? And just as the question formed in his head, he knew why. And he remembered those almond shaped dark eyes, the solemn look, the concentrated expression and the incredible smile, much more valuable because it wasn't given to just everyone. And he saw Jason's face in Grace's. And that meant... Miriam! Could it be? He then remembered where he had first seen that undying trust and joy... His grandmother... Always smiling despite the pain she'd gone through. Always keeping the faith. And his own smile, his own eyes reflecting the girl's own. He stared at Grace, open-mouthed. 'Jason...' the word was hardly audible in his voice. And then he realised the true reason of her question. He grabbed her arm, turning her around to face him. 'You know, don't you? You saw him too! And her...', he was speechless. 'Miriam... she's his sister.'

Grace couldn't take it anymore. Her heart and her head were involved in a terrible battle and she was being torn apart from the inside. She got up, escaping his grip and nearly knocked him over. He was too surprised to stop her. Before leaving the room, Grace hesitated and then turned around and said: 'Don't go imagining things, Gabriel. What we've dreamed about is probably just one of many roads our life could take... Probably if we had made different choices along the way it would have been like that... It is someone's or something's idea of a joke, showing it to us.'

And without really understanding how or why, he heard the words she never spoke: And if you let me leave this room, you'll loose your last chance of making it happen.

 

Last update: October 24, 2007


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